My heart is hard, my soul so weak

Nicholas and I were not good friends. In fact, I couldn’t even call us friends. We were more like acquaintances. He was a positive, funny, kindhearted young man. I remember waking up Saturday morning thinking everything was just great and nothing could ruin my day. Then, I opened Facebook and saw people changing their profile pictures to the ones they have with Nicholas. Then I saw the article with the title “Student killed in car accident” with Nicholas’ face on it. I sat down and read the article. My initial reaction was shock. I just stared at my computer screen for who knows how long, and then I thought of all the people that will be impacted by this tragic event. Tears started to come to my eyes. I was never close to Nicholas, yet it felt as if somebody had ripped a piece of my heart away. I wanted to hug every friend Nick had and his family.

I avoided Facebook for the rest of the day because I didn’t think I could handle seeing people post about his death anymore. It was as if I had lost a brother, which I did. I lost my brother in Christ. I do not know how to face college students at Harding University when they come back to town after spring break. I think I will start crying as soon as I see somebody who I know knew Nicholas. He was a great friend to many; he left a girlfriend and his parents on this earth.

There were a lot of people saying that Nicholas went to Heaven and is in a better place, which I believe is true. Yet I cannot help but ask myself “why do bad things happen to good people?” I hear that a loss of a child is one of the hardest things a person can ever experience, and I believe that. My heart aches for anyone who had lost a child. I cannot even imagine how difficult it would be.

Even though I work at a Hospice agency and death is not a taboo subject for me, the car accident that took Nicholas’ life away has made a really deep cut in my heart. I cannot help but cry from time to time when I see a picture of him or I read somebody’s post of how nice of a person Nick was.

I can sense that in the next few months I will come up with very deep questions to reflect upon, especially questions that many non-Christian people ask me. Questions like “why do babies die” and “how do I find comfort in God when so many close and dear people died at such young age?” I had a lot of experience with death and grief, it is not a new concept to me, yet every time I come in contact with it I lose myself, and I realize how much I need to change in my life and how much more good I can do for others. I hope my outlook on life will change and I will think about how I want to treat other people. Nicholas was a very good example of how to spread joy to others.

I send my sincere condolence to everyone who had lost their friend, son, boyfriend, brother or just a special someone. Life is not fair but someday when we are in Heaven, I hope it will all make more sense to us.

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